As you may have heard, the current Powerball lottery is worth about $800 million. According to killjoy statisticians your odds against winning that money are about 292 million to one. But in actuality your odds are even worse, because I’ve already rigged it so that my number will be drawn. Yay, I win!

So how am I going to spend all that money that I’ve won fair and square, just like a government contractor? Here are some thoughts I’ve had, though I’m open to other suggestions:

$5000 for stale fruitcake, to be dropped by drones on the toy soldiers at the Oregon wildlife refuge. If they manage to dodge them they can use them for snacks.

$100,000 for high-grade weed and Doritos, to be sent to North Korean Fearless Leader Kim Jong-un. Seriously. Dude needs to chill.

$200,000 to build a wall around Donald Trump.

$3,000,000 oh what the hell, let’s build walls around all the other Republican presidential candidates as well.

And, just so Hillary, Bernie, and Martin don’t get too smug, $1,000,000 to be held in reserve for possible future walls.

Of course, some of the money should stay here in the local community. Therefore:

$20,000,000 to buy the New Belgium plant and move it into the basement of the Asheville Chamber of Commerce building.

$1,000,000 to refurbish the current site of the New Belgium plant, and turn it into a playground where local developers can take toy blocks and build hotels and office complexes to their hearts’ content. And as soon as they finish building their structures the rest of us can come by and kick them over.

$10,000,000 for a scientific study to determine how I can temporarily suspend gravity in my house when I need to. I’m having one of those days. I keep knocking things over. I’m tired of it.

And finally:

$764,695,000 to Mark Zuckerberg, so he can give away a bunch of money to every single person who shares this blog post. Really! Absolutely true!! This is not a hoax!!!

You’re welcome.