The weather outside is frightful. We need advice insightful.

We have entered February, the longest short month of the year and, to the delight of the National Bread, Milk & Toilet Paper Association, winter is definitely upon us. Therefore, as a public service, Castle Heathen asked a number of well known and not so well know individuals and groups for their comments and advice concerning winter weather and how to deal with it. And, by golly, some of them actually answered. The replies with the fewest obscenities and misspelled words follow:

Republican National Committee: Ask Obama. It’s all his fault.

Donald Trump: Until we figure out the answer, we need to construct a wall along the US/Canadian border to to keep the cold air out. And we should do it while Ted Cruz is up in Canada. You know Ted Cruz is from Canada, right?

Ted Cruz: I am the best candidate to deal with the cold weather problem because everybody hates me. When I become president, everyone will be jumping up and down and shaking their fists at me, and all that exercise will keep them warm.

Marco Rubio: If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: Obama did it and he knew exactly what he was doing. Come to think of it, I have said that a thousand times.

John Kasich: Please find all the copies you can of the New York Times, dated January 31, and burn them. That’s the issue in which they endorsed me. If that gets out, I’m doomed.

Democratic National Committee: Great question! Let’s debate it! Or not.

Bernie Sanders: It is inexcusable that we have such temperature inequality in this country. When I become president, I will impose a ten-degree tax on the state of Arizona (which is owned by the Koch brothers) and give those ten degrees to the state of New Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton: Just do what I and all my friends in the Big Humongous Secret Conspiracy Of Billionaires, Zillionaires, Corporate Executives, Telemarketers, Zombies, and Rabid Hamsters do. Burn money! Woo-hoo! Now, when my husband Bill gets cold he — actually, we’d better not go there.

Vladimir Putin: You weak, decadent, degenerate Westerners! I laugh at you derisively as I ride my horse across the frozen steppes!

Your Doctor: Let’s see: the earliest opening I have for an appointment to talk to you about dealing with the cold weather would be May 24.

Your Mom: Oh, so now you’re coming to me asking me for advice ? You could’ve listened to me when you were young and I told you to put on a hat and mittens and snow boots and stay away from that frozen pond, but noooooo, you were smarter than your mother! Well, suck it up, Buster, you’re on your own now!

Your Dog: I don’t mind the cold weather — I’ve got a thick, furry coat! Hey, let’s run across this patch of black ice! Oops — did you slip and fall down? Don’t worry! I love you, and therefore I will drag you full speed through the neighborhood!

Your Cat: Shut up, and clean the litter box.

Satan: It’ll be a cold day in Hell before it’s ever a cold day in Hell.

Barack Obama: Yes, I did it! It’s all my fault! And you know what? If I had it to do over, I’d do it again! And I don’t care what you think about that because in less than a year I’ll be outta here! Farewell, suckers!

The weather outside is frightful. We need advice insightful.

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